In my role as a hospital chaplain, I am very frequently involved with critically ill and dying patients and their families. As one might imagine an individuals’ relationship with death is as varied as the individuals themselves. Unfortunately, most people are ill-prepared for death and see it as an unwelcome prowler. They ignore or refuse to explore the topic particularly when it comes to their own or a loved one’s demise. Admittedly none of us wishes to hasten death but it is inevitable and it can steal in on us and catch us completely off guard.
I try to share with people both the gravity and importance of inquiring into the topic as well as discovering their own fears and biases around death and dying. Cultivating an understanding and familiarity with the subject serves as an antidote to fear as well as reducing the pain of grief. Evaluating one’s latent and indiscernible personal beliefs, cultural imprints, and religious training advances this understanding. Things are shifting, as our society is more open to investigating death as evidenced by the rise of death cafes and the expansion of grief and bereavement support groups. Further affirmation of societal interest and acceptance of death as a topic is the proliferation of social media platforms covering death and related matters such as near-death experiences (NDEs), after-death communication, visitation, or deathbed visions. Major universities such as the Perceptual Studies department at the University of Virginia School of Medicine are acutely interested and subjecting these experiences to scientific rigor (not that it requires it… author’s editorial comment). The International Association for Near-Death Studies (IANDS) has nearly 1500 members and 50 local study groups. Membership includes academic scholars, physicians, nurses, and anyone interested in the phenomenon. I have had individuals ask me… “why bother reading about NDEs or correlative phenomena?” My response is that I have found in both my roles as chaplain and as my role as a counselor, people have been almost universally comforted by this information and I am always surprised by just how widespread these experiences are. Time and time again, I have people confide in me that they have had an NDE or after-death communication of some kind that they have been reluctant to share for fear of ridicule or derision. I had a patient tell me at the bedside that she had not been able to talk about her experience for 70 years until she felt safe enough to share the experience with me. These experiences are testimony about an afterlife and that consciousness survives the death of the body, which should be reassuring to all of us. I want to share just such an experience that I witnessed just this week. I have a dear friend whose very close relative was in a completely disintegrative state. This person had not long ago retired, recently (2 months) lost a spouse, and was finding it very difficult to cope. This person also had a long-standing challenge with substance abuse and nothing (family, friends, professionals) seemed to be able to help. I do believe that there was likely some organic illness compounding this downward spiral. My friend was trying very hard to support the relative but while otherwise engaged the relative impulsively left and would not return phone calls or connect in any fashion. My friend pleaded with that person to connect… “I’ve been trying to reach you! Please call me so I know you’re okay!” The next day my friend received notification that her relative had passed and as you can imagine was extremely distraught… filled with guilt, remorse, and grief. My friend was then busied by the practical considerations of the final arrangements, etc. Staying with me and sound asleep on my sofa my friend suddenly bolted upright and stated that she heard her relative’s voice loud and clear …loud and clear, not a dream, not the imagination, but the voice loud and clear. The message was “I made it”! This experience was made all the more profound when my friend showed me the last message left for the loved one… “… Please call me so I know you’re okay!”
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I often receive apologies from clients or hospital patients who feel uneasy for feeling their emotional pain, for feeling dejected or depressed. They tend to compare their personal situation with the patient in the next room or with a friend in crisis, or someone who they have seen on television or learned of while viewing social media. When set side by side and the comparison is made, they are somehow convinced their situation doesn’t merit the same level of compassion or complaint. While post-traumatic stress (PTSD) has become common parlance many people equate it with serious exposure to traumatic events like war, genocide, plane crashes, or large natural disasters. Individuals for many reasons have been made to feel "less than" and therefore are reluctant to consult with a therapist or counselor thinking their pain pales when compared with that of others and are embarrassed to share their "petty" suffering. Even when they summon the will to seek counseling, they often remain reluctant to share an event that they feel they have no business complaining about. They hear the old tapes playing in their heads… “quit complaining”, “don’t be a crybaby”, "quit bellyaching", “I’ll give you something to complain about”. While this is all too common, it is undeniable, and the voices on these old tapes which have morphed into currently held beliefs then become an impediment to healing because of this cognitive shame.
Casey Rose a contributor to the forum Tiny Buddha writes: “Someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. Stop comparing traumas, stop belittling your or anyone else’s trauma because it wasn’t “as bad” as someone else’s. This isn’t a competition, we all deserve support and recovery.” Therapists have unintentionally contributed to this thinking by speaking of big "T" and little "t" trauma, this terminology implies that certain traumas are more or less damaging. For some people, this can reinforce the idea that they "shouldn't" be upset by their "little issues." Physician and trauma expert Gabor Mate, also reminds us that trauma is not just what happens to us but how we interpret the event. He also points out that sometimes trauma isn't simply the bad things that happen to us, but the good things that did not. Shame in one form or another is often an unfortunate result of a traumatic experience, so minimizing the pain of that experience by labeling it with a small "t" may just make the experience more shameful. Thereby making it all the more difficult to speak about it. Professional help and counseling can help tease through these resistances and the false beliefs about the merit of one’s feelings as well as identify the origins of the message “Don’t be a cry baby.” Therapy can offer techniques to strengthen resilience and further develop coping skills that aid in becoming unstuck. Clinical EFT or “tapping” is one modality that is very effective in reducing the intensity of traumatic events and has been used therapeutically in a variety of applications with children, teens, and even veterans with PTSD. It is a form of “exposure therapy,” which can restore balance to a dysregulated system. It is gentle, effective, and easily applied and practiced outside a therapy session. You share an existence with others who are experiencing their own journey in their own ways, and you have journeying in common, then. Be kind to yourself and to your journeying companions.
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